Things I learned at work that will be of no future value:

The names of the Jonas brothers, in order of age, are: Kevin, Joe, and Nick.
There is a fourth brother, a "Bonus Jonas" named Frankie. He was born in 2000.
Nick Jonas has Type 1 diabetes. He wrote a song about it called "A Little Bit Longer."
This is also the title of their third album.
They were touring in Peru last week.
Joe Jonas briefly dated Taylor Swift. Supposedly, he broke up with her in a 27 second phone call.
He says she hung up on him.
That most of their videos can be found on YouTube. I suggest you check out "Pizza Girl."

Bagel Update

Now they've taken away the bagels for good.

They've Taken Away the Bagels

We got word of this the other day. Our Friday bagels are no more. Well, that's not exactly true. We'll still have bagels the first Friday of every month. But that's it. This news comes shortly after they tell us that there will be no more promotions, there will be no bonus this year, and there will be no pay raises. There is no time line for reinstatement of pay raises. And in this market, we are supposed to be lucky to have jobs. This is supposed to be enough motivation to come to work every morning and pack into our carpeted, cubed sardine cans. After all, so many people have no jobs right now.

But I know one of these people. He has had no job for over a year now. But he cannot blame the economy. He cannot blame the president or the war in Iraq. He can only blame himself. He was the one who openly defied store policy, who abused his employee discount. He was the one who got caught doing so.

Then again, maybe his parents can share some of the blame. They've spent the year enabling him. Without them taking care of the rent and the gas and the water, he'd have had to get a job by now. He'd need more than the unemployment checks that keep coming because his cutoff dates keep getting pushed back. Because the government assumes that he can't get a job, not that he won't. And why would he want to get a job? He's living a pretty good life that involves sleeping through the morning hours and bathing but every few days. Not to mention his roommate cleans the bathroom and the kitchen. She leaves out clean sheets for him, but he doesn't make his bed. She buys him a toothbrush and some laundry detergent for Christmas, but why does he need clean teeth or clothes if he never really has to leave the house? See, this is the life of someone without a job. And some days it doesn't seem so bad as finding out you may never get a raise or a promotion, no matter how hard you work. It doesn't seem so bad as knowing that the company can't support weekly bagels. But I'm not too worried just yet. It's when they take away the coffee that will have me scared.

Oh Google

Today at work I typed in "why mobsters don't get arrested." Google asked if I meant "why lobsters don't get arrested." Yes Google, I would like to know why all these lobster criminals are walking free. If I were a lobster judge, I would sentence them all for failing to be in my belly. Then I would eat them.

So you'll be spending a lot of time looking at sweaty men...

...is what my boss said today when she told me the list of books I'd be editing next season. Jonas brothers? Sure. A set of 4 wrestlers? Why not. Orlando Bloom? Yes please.

Hoarding Genetics

So my parents recently went to Cancun. Kind of on a whim. My dad called on a Wednesday and left a message on my cellphone: Hello, just calling to let you know we're on our way to the airport. We're heading to Cancun for a few days. Decided last Sunday. Your brother's taking care of the dogs. We'll see ya when we get back.

I love that my parents do that. I hope I'm the type of person who does that when I'm in my 60s.

Anyway, the point is this--since forever my dad has faithfully grabbed all the shampoos, conditioners, mouthwashes, shower caps, shoe polish kits, hand lotions, etc. that he can get his hands on when he stays at hotels. If he's there for an extended stay, he'll snag them each day so that housekeeping continues to restock. So, of course, while he's in Cancun he does this. Each day when he returns to the room and sees the bed made up, fresh towels set out, toiletry basket refilled, he grabs the bottles and sticks them into his travel bag. My mom, who has just unloaded a garbage bag of these things at a local charity house, finds his stash as they're packing to go home. She pulls them out and leaves them on the counter. She thinks she fooled my dad. This is what she says today at lunch while we're filling ourselves with the new chicken gnocchi soup at Olive Garden (FYI: it's delicious). That's when my dad smiles. He tells us he saw Mom take the bottles out. He tells us he went back for those bottles, tucked them into his travel case under his shaving cream. He managed to sneak a weeks worth of mini shampoos back home with him. "After all," he tells us, "I paid for them."

I think he sees these bottles as free souvenirs from the trips that he takes. He finds them later and thinks "ah, yes, mini Pert Plus from the Super 8. That must have been when we went down to Kansas City last fall. And here's the mini Panteen from the Marriott. Didn't we stay there last time we went to San Antonio?" I guess I can't say much because I'm a big fan of those single serve coffee packs they have in hotels now. I found a bag of those the other day, tucked in the back of a kitchen cabinet. One from Travelodge when I visited my brother. Three from Holiday Inn when my dad had back surgery. A handful from Best Western when we went to the Omaha Zoo.

I think I'm allergic to pineapple. Every time I eat it I get stomachaches. Maybe it's because I ate, like, 5 pounds of it every day in Mexico.